Meet ARC’s First Warrior! 1/5/22
Mikenna!
This is her diagnosis story…
“I don’t remember the exact date, only that it was late November, maybe even early December.
What I do remember is going about the rest of the day like nothing had changed. Knowing if anyone at work were to ask “How are you?”, I would’ve crumbled. I had that lump-in-your-throat feeling, the one you get when you don’t want to cry during a movie. I remember acting as if nothing was different, although, not much really was. I’d known for at least 2 years prior that something wasn’t right. I remember the manilla envelope I was handed on the way out of the hospital. In it: tens of thousands in potential medical expenses. It sat on my passenger seat for days.
My official journey to diagnosis started with optic neuritis the previous fall. I honestly thought I was wearing a damaged contact lens or had scratched my eye. But then it got worse, quite quickly. In a whirlwind 72 hours I had: lost almost all my sight in my left eye, a trip to the optometrist, a visit with my GP, two emergency room visits, and an opthaneurology appointment. Two days later, I was a patient at the MS clinic under the preface that, “it doesn’t necessarily mean you have MS”, and zero explanation as to why else I would be there. To say I was frustrated, and very confused, would be a vast understatement.
3 MRI’s, two clinical trials, dozens of hours in labs & clinics, countless times being poked and prodded, and a year later—I got the diagnosis. It certainly wasn’t a movie moment. I left feeling confused over whether or not I actually had just been diagnosed. The words “there’s strong indication that it could be MS”, were not solidifying or reassuring. I’m sure my neurologist saw the absence in my eyes when she decided to gently place her palm on my knee to bring me back to reality. We made brief eye contact, my vision blurred with welled tears that I hadn’t yet allowed to course down my cheek, and in that moment, I remember realizing that very few things in my life would ever be certain again. It felt like less than 5 seconds later I was being rushed out the door, envelope in hand, and the five stages of grief began.
For at least two weeks, I sank into a state of denial. I refused to talk about it or tell my inner circle, despite my partners’ gentle, daily attempts to open that envelope. Until one night, we did. We opened it together. He read the papers as I felt myself retreat inwards and fight back anymore tears. Later that night: anger struck. I locked myself in my spare bedroom, laid on the floor, and sobbed uncontrollably. I shook until I was nauseous. I screamed into a pillow, “Why me?”. I played a mental slideshow of all the trauma I had already overcome, and all I could think was that I had nothing more to give. This is not a fight I can win. I felt truly defeated for the first time in my life, and things were really dark for a really long time.
I felt like I had nothing more to give. For the first time since I was a depressed, hormonal 17 year old, I seriously thought about dying. About removing the burden from my partner, from my family, from myself. I weighed the pros and cons. I was about to embark on the toughest battle of my life and it had no end date and I didn’t even know what I was fighting for. I ran through every possible immoral and unethical thing I had done in my life that would give me such horrific karmic retribution. I bargained with any God that would listen. I asked the universe, “If this is a lesson, what more is left for me to learn?”
2022 is year five, and I still grieve the life I once envisioned for myself. My grief is not linear or chronological. It’s constant and omnipresent. I grieve what I may lose, even though I don’t know what it is just yet.
Year 5 is the year I conquer that acceptance stage though. It’s the year my purpose and my journey overshadow my anger, denial, and depression.” -Mikenna Ritchie
Follow Mikenna + her MS journey on Instagram @mikritch
Want to join the ARC Fam yourself? Connect with me below + let’s get your story out for others to read + resonate with!