Hit Like A Ton of Bricks
Sometimes it hits me… like a ton of bricks.
That I have an incurable (as of this moment) disease. That I have Multiple Sclerosis.
A disease that I will need to manage for the rest of my life on this earth. Sometimes I throw my fists up and ask Him why. Why me? Why not curse me with fame and fortune? Sometimes I have myself a good ol’ cry in the bathroom where my husband can’t see and won’t hear me. Sometimes I become so emotionally, physically, and mentally overwhelmed that I just become silent. Sometimes dealing with chronic illness, chronic pain, and life in general can be a LOT… like a lot, a lot.
But you know what? There’s always that voice in my head telling me, no yelling at me, to trust in His plan. To trust the process! (My mom also yells this at me lol) Trust that God doesn’t make mistakes. This is the journey I’m meant to go on. These are the cards I’ve been dealt. So sure, I can unpack in the lowest points, but what good does that do for me? For my family? Unpacking in those intrusive thoughts, in those moments of sadness can be detrimental to my growth. So instead, I feel my feelings. I allow them to flow through me- I feel like crying? You better believe I’m crying! I feel like asking myself why me? A little self-pity? Okay, feel that. Let it in. I don’t want to run from my feelings anymore. I want to feel the good, the bad, and the messy. Because *cliché warning* feeling is living.
Once you allow yourself to feel all your feelings, you then become capable of sorting through. Feel it all, then pick yourself up. Don’t unpack there. The saying “let it hurt, then let it go” always seemed so harsh and dismissive to me, (to be honest depending on my mood if someone were to say that to me, I could take it the wrong way lol) but it rings true. Letting it hurt, then releasing that hurt gives us the opportunity to heal. To move forward and find ways to cope.
So yes, I breakdown sometimes. And contrary to my supes-positive IG feed, I still go through ups and downs with my feelings. From being diagnosed with chronic pain in my legs in my early twenties, then Multiple Sclerosis a year later. My body has been through the wringer and it hurts my heart (and physical body) at times. But I feel those feelings, then surrender the thoughts. I can’t predict the future. I’ll never know why I was dealt these cards. There’s nothing I can do to change it, other than shifting my perspective, shifting my mindset, and focusing on everything within my realm of control! Like choosing to live a healthy lifestyle. Choosing to laugh as much as possible. Choosing to make the best of the not-so ideal cards I’ve been dealt.
So if you’re anything like me and find yourself ebbing + flowing through your hardships. Be gentle with yourself. Even when you have no clue how to be gentle/give yourself grace. Remind yourself that you ARE doing the best you can. And if you know you’re not doing your best, if you’re aware that you’ve unpacked in the low point- congratulations realizing you’ve unpacked there is the first step! Now you can do something about it! Real change only happens when you get over your own B.S. So, I’m happy you’re here. We can help each other, as we gracefully learn to get through life without losing our complete sh*t.
All my love,
Ashleigh Rose